Friday, July 10
SO ANYWAY. This is the first part of 4 blogs about my TnT/OrSem experience. Pagpasensyahan niyo na. I have a lot to say. :))
Naalala ko yun. First interviews. Sabi ni ate Luzy, kunwari may power daw ako magstop ng rain gamit ng aking boses. So yun ginawa ko. True enough, after ko magsasasayaw at kanta ng INSOMNIA habang hawak ko yung ATENEO finger foams, tumigil ang ulan. Humirit pa ako, "dapat plus points yan dahil ako talaga nagpatigil ng ulan."
Second interviews came and I was SUPER DUPER NERVOUS. Todo inaral ko yung OrSem manual ko. As in binagsak ko pa yung isang quiz ko para lang mag-aral para sa interviews. Oo, pinagtatawanan niyo na ako dahil pinagpalit ko ang studies ko for TnT pero who cares? Nawaley lahat ng inaral ko dahil WALA SA MANUAL ANG MGA TINANONG SA AKIN. :| Fail talaga.
After ng 2nd interviews, sinabi ko na kay Erick. Sobrang hopeless na ako dahil mukhang hindi talaga ako makakapasa. Pero sabi niya, magtiwala lang daw ako. So yun ginawa ko. Nalaman ko na lang na tinext ako ni Erick at sinabi niyang pumasa ako. SO YEHEY.
Nagstart na ang training and sobrang nervous ako. MY GOD WALA AKONG KILALA DAHIL NAGBACKOUT MGA BLOCKMATES KO. Kasabay ko dumating si Suba at tumakbo kami from MVP Roofdeck hanggang CTC105 in 5 mins. HAHA Di namin kasi nabasa na nalipat na ang venue ng training. Akala pa naman namin na sobrang aga namin dahil walang tao sa roofdeck nun. HAHA.
Pagpasok ko, wala talaga akong kilala. Eh kasi ganito yun, may initiation kasi si Suba bilang Divette ko kailangan niyang sumama sa mga Divas. So naiwan ako. Wala naman si Frances nung day 1 so :| talaga. Buti na lang nakita ko si Bob (Jamika) dun. Kaklase ko kasi nung Chinese class si Bob so ayon. Pinakilala pa niya ako sa friends niya. Si Ate Robee and Ate Chelsea. Sila mga first friends ko sa TnT. As in nakikidikit lang ako sa kanila most ng training.
Anyway, hindi ako magbibigay ng details para hindi ma-spoil ang mga magt-TnT next year. Grabe talaga ang training. May halong kaba at tuwa sa bawat ginagawa para dun. Pero fun kasi you get to meet a lot of new people. AS IN A LOT TALAGA. Kinukulit ko nga sila Bob kung ano gagawin natin next kasi sobrang kabado ako at biglang baka kung ano na mangyari sa amin noh. HAHA. Paranoid much? :P
Partnering GA na. At first, I was hoping na sana MIS block yung mapunta sa akin kasi MIS ako. Tapos nung narealize ko maraming TnT ang nag-iisa, pinangarap ko na lang na basta may partner ako masaya na ako. Tapos nasa Block L na sila, hindi na ako nakikinig. As in iniisip ko nang MIS block na dahil malapit na sa S. Palapit na nang palapit sa S ang block na sinasabi. O, O1, O2, O3... hindi ako nakikinig. Bilang narinig ko lang name ko, "Ryan Sordan". Sabi ko, "Ako yun ha!" Okay tumayo lang ako and went sa likod. Tapos may tumabi sa aking matangkad na dambuhalang babae -- partner ko pala siya. HAHAHA (Joke lang, Jess). Anyway, pareho kaming clueless kung anong block kami. Basta ang narinig ko lang yung 4. Di ko narinig yung letter. Gusto ni Jess yung P. Pinagpipilitan talaga niya na P4 yung sinabi kasi Management daw yun (and maraming gwapo daw sa Management). Eh ako di ko talaga alam. Tapos lumapit siya kay someone tas ayon nga, "O4" yung napunta sa amin. We were like... Okay kaya to. Let's do this! Cute naman ang O4. Parang 2004 lang. HAHA WALEY.
So after nun, lalo kaming naging close ni Jess. As in halos buong time sa 2nd and 3rd training day, magkasama kami. Talagang pinaninindigan namin ang pagiging partners. HAHA. (Sa next blog ko na lang ang mga stuff about you).
Anyway, so Day 2 and 3 came. Unti-unti na akong nagkaka-friends. Sila Jebby, Rage, Jess, and some others na narerecognize ko dahil naging kaklase ko sila dati and mga AHS people. Tapos kapag ginugroup na kami sa block orders, nakilala ko sila Carlo A., Lin, Camille, Dar H., Margaux, and iba pang mga groupmates ko. Sobrang naging friends kaming mga TnT ng LM. HAHA.
TnT training ended and lalo lang kaming naging excited ni Jess. We got to meet our super game and super fun Logs (Patty and Dom). At ang maganda dun, they're really game for anything and they know their log stuff.
As a newbie, sobrang dami kong natutunan. As in, hindi lang about the freshies, Ateneo, and shiz. Marami rin ako natutunan about myself and my capacity to do the TnT stuff (may ganon?!) HAHA. Sobrang dami kong narealize nung TnT training. And kahit hindi ako masyadong nagpaparticipate sa mga sharing and stuff, sobrang daming pumupunta sa isip ko. Marahil pinagbigyan ako ng TnT core kahit wawaley-waley ako nung auditions, kaya I'm just making the most with this experience. Nashare ko naman lahat nung individual sharing with Ate Luzy sa training kaya medyo wala na akong mashare na iba. Sobrang thankful ako sa mga taong nakilala ko. Sa mga friends na nameet ko. Sa mga taong nakatawanan at nakakulitan ko. Sobrang thank you TnTs for welcoming us newbies in this new experience. Nosebleed much.
OKAY. MASYADO NANG MAHABA TO. Part 2 (My OrSem experience) na next time. Kapag may time ako. :| HAHA. GOODLUCK SA PAGBABASA! :P Shet. Tag limit reached :| Di ko na-tag lahat ng TnTs :( Oh well. :|
Wednesday, June 3
Today is the START of the RISE of Ryan.
Monday, June 1
You were my best friend, my partner in crime..but you cared about him more than me. A new school, a new best friend, and a couple years later..and you still have some crazy effect on me..sometimes I wish we could talk how we used to.. I kinda miss you..
Friday, May 29
OMG. If you're reading this, you probably noticed my stupidity in Multiply. Kaya hindi na ako nagmumultiply eh. GRR.
Anyway, to all my contacts...
Kasi ganito yun, before dinner, I connected my Multiply with my Blogger account. Eh kasi gusto ko, kapag magpost ako sa Multiply, it will go straight to Blogger. Which is what I did a few years ago. Pero nung may pop-up na Import All Posts to Multiply, nag Cancel ako. :|
So knowing na harmless ang lahat, nagdinner na ako. Enjoy pa ako sa dinner ko eh. Pero nung pagbalik ko, ang dami nang nagmessage sa akin sinasabi na nagflood daw ako ng Multiply. The End. :|
ANYWAY, I'm so so so so sorry! Just click the X button sa bawat posts ko. Dears, hindi niyo na mababasa yung blogs kasi naka-for individuals na lang siya. Eventually, idedelete ko siya. SAD. Basta yun lang. SORRY TALAGA! Hindi na mauulit.
Sunday, June 17
This is a blog post in my blogger: http://ry10.blogspot.com
I really wish I never met you. I tried so hard go bring back our old friendship but everything is falling back to pieces. I tried to strike up a conversation with you but it seems that you are always occupied with something or someone. Why am I doing this to myself? I have sacrificed for the longest time to save whatever is left for our friendship and nothing. There's no new developments. The only thing is that we are going farther and farther apart everytime we talk to each other.
Before, we would usually have a fun time talking about nonsense. We would have to text each other after talking online. We would go to bed at around 2AM. By that time one of us has already fallen asleep. And when we wake up for school, we would usually text each other and tease some of my teachers about the way they act, teach, and those kinds of stuff.
Now, its so different. Rarely would you see this person online. Maybe hiding from me? Stealth mode perhaps?
When I talk to you, i have to ask a question just to keep the conversation going. It seems like there's this wall up that has been keeping you from sharing things about me. Its like I'm not a friend that you used to talk to before. Its like I'm not someone who shared to you my entire life. You tried to help me out of my problems and now, you have no reaction when I share them. You would give me advice about this person and now, its like, nothing.
And then I ask myself.. WHY? Why would I let myself be hurt from you and just accept the pain you give to me. Why am I so desperate to be your friend and wanted to bring back our friendship. Why do I always want you to help me and be the model that I needed? Why would I go trough pain and suffering just for us to be friends? Why would I rather let go of my past relationship rather than leaving you who was once in my life my best friend? Why would I continue to wear this mask and think that you still would want to be my friend? Why would I avoid myself from the reality that you broke your promise? Why? Why? Why?
The answer is simple... it is because you were one of the few persons who made me feel complete. You were one of the few persons who made me TRULY happy. You were a missing piece in my puzzle. And now that piece is missing again, I WILL NEVER BE COMPLETE. I wish that I never met you, to begin with. At least I would continue thinking that it is not possible to complete the puzzle and not think that there is a chance to find the missing piece of the puzzle....
Thursday, May 24
Monday, May 14
Its been quite some time since I posted in this blog. http://ry10.blogspot.com has been my blog ever since last year. I actually had a previous blogger account that is already deleted and as far as I can remember, the 1st post that I made was on March 10, 2004. But before that, I also had a Xanga account. And that was way way back in middle school. I think that the first post I ever made in my whole life was in 1998. But all those memories are lost already since they are deleted because I haven't been updating it. But to think that for all those years, I have been saying what I want to say for almost 10 years. And just a while ago, I was thinking about the past and reading some past posts that I made. [I really miss blogging in straight english. In my multiply account: http://rqsordan.multiply.com, I never really spoke in straight english.]
So I have been reading a lot of past blogs and I saw how happy I was with the company of my friends. I've been with this person who broke up with me and ever since, I cry each night thinking of that dreadful day when we last said our, "i love you"s. But I never really realized how happy I was with my friends. How much they were my shoulder to cry on. Especially the friends that I made in the choir who really became close to my heart.
I trusted a friend of mine, some guy from Xavier, Julio Datu, and he really has been the ears in my stories. I have shared a lot about my life and he listens really well while cracking up a joke here and there to really lighten the mood a lot. I also, in return, am [hopefully] a good friend to him. He has shared a lot of secrets about his life. Just like one time during the outing, he told me a secret that only I knew. So I feel really trusted and I think that I can really trust him with everything. Julio is one of those guys when you first see him, you would think that he's just a funny person. But when you really get to know this guy, he is sensitive and nice. So I really am thankful for having a Julio to be the person to absorb all my feelings.
My choir friends are really the best. Jeff, Jerwin, Ian, Reuel, Kevin, Momon, Joseph just to name a few. Everytime I'm in the choir, I really become happy. And once I'm with my choirmates, I just feel so happy. With the company of my BFFs, Lala and Pat, I really am so happy with their company. Sobrang tuwa ko na hindi pa sila mawawala sa buhay ko. And habang nandito pa ang Ave Maria Youth Choir.
And so, I am so happy to know that at least there are people who care for me other than that person who left me for someone else. I have friends to listen when I'm sad. I have friends when I needed someone to stay beside me. I have these blessed people to care for me during times of trouble. And I really thank the Lord for having you guys as my friends. I guess, the past really brings you something. Because of it, I realized how much my friends played a part in my life and how thankful I am to have someone else who loves me soooo much.
Saturday, February 10
Stage 1 > Befriending
In order to lose a friend, you have to gain one first. Be sure to be close to him/her. Make sure that you become really close with this person. Share some experiences in your life. Always lend an ear when he/she wants to say something.
Nadaan ko na ito. Maraming beses na. Probably ito na siguro ang pinakawalang emosyon na gawain. Kailangan mo lang talaga kausapin siya. Gain his/her trust. Ngayon, nagawa ko iyon sa isang tao. Sobrang laki ng tiwala ko sa kanya at siguro malaki ang tiwala niya sa akin dati. Palagi kami nag-uusap noon. Puro kamustahan at lahat na. Ilang beses na rin akong napaiyak dahil sa sobrang kabaitan niya. Araw-araw kahit sa school, siya kausap ko. Kahit through text man lang basta makausap ko siya, kumpleto na araw ko.
Stage 2 > Say something weird that he/she won’t forget.
Now here comes the twist in your whole friendship. Once you get to the trust of each other, say something that will bother him/her for the rest of your life. Like a simple, “I love you” or “Crush kita” or anything that will really make him/her feel insecure about your friendship.
Nagawa ko na ito, matagal na in some different times. Yung first ever was noong grade 7 pa. Nangyari ulit ito recently. Hmm.. Exact date ba? February 5, 2007. I still have the text as proof. Basta ayun. Nagmukha siyang ewan. Pero kasi naman, siya yung nagbring up nung topic. Lokohan lang niyang tinanong sa akin, “Mahal mo ba ako? Aminin mo na kasi.” Ako rin naman, lokohan ko rin sinabi iyon. Tapos the rest was history na. Akala ko nga hindi ko siya napa-weird eh! Kasi parang napaamin pa siya. Pero hindi pala.
Stage 3 > Excuses
If weirding him/her out worked, then this is where the space starts. Before you know it, you will find yourself drifting apart. Get ready to feel a lot of emotions run through your body. The things that you usually do together will slowly be changed.
Ayan na. Pakaunti kaunti na siyang lumalayo sa iyo. Siya na mismong lalayo sa iyo. Gagawa siya ng excuses na hindi na kayo madalas makakatext dahil sa ganito and stuff. Mga excuses. Hindi kayo makakapagkita dahil sa ganyan ganyan. Hindi puwede and stuff. Basta marami pang iba. Mga palusot. Tapos bihira na lang kayo maging masaya magkasama. Puro away na lang siguro. Tapos kunwaring magkakabati kayo pero hindi rin pala honest ang pagkasabi ng peace na.
Stage 4 > No communication
Slowly and surely this friend will take you out of his/her life. Don’t be shocked if he/her starts to put you in stealth mode in your yahoo messenger. Then he/she deletes you from his/her friends in friendster. Then he/she stops replying to you or maybe sometimes that person replies so that you won’t find out. But sometimes, he/she stops from replying. And it with that. You have succeeded.
Ito na ang huling stage… ang pamamaalam. Ngayon, unti-unti ko nang nararanasan ito. Minsan, nahuhuli ko siyang naka-stealth mode sa akin. Tapos kapag nagtetext ako, sinasabi niyang inaantok na siya kaya hindi kami makakapag-usap. Basta pakaunti na rin iyan mangyayari. Buhay talaga. Paikot-ikot lang ang buhay kaya ngayon, nasasanay na ako sa mga stages na ito. Hindi nga lang definite kung sino ang nabibiktima sa how to lose a friend stages ko. Kaya ayon.
Iniisip ko lang ang nangyayari sa amin ngayon. Naguguluhan na ako kung totoo ang sinasabi niya na, “hindi niya ako iiwanan.” Pero bakit ko ito nararamdaman? Kasi palaging ako na lang ang gumagawa ng paraan. Tapos lahat pa ng paraan, tinatanggi niya. Kapag mag-imbita akong kumain sa labas, sinasabi niyang kailangan na niyang umuwi kaagad o di kaya ay hindi siya makaalis ng bahay. Naiintindihan ko naman ang kanyang rason pero bakit ngayon lang ito kung kailan marami na nangyari sa amin? Dati naman siya pa ang nag-aaya. Tapos kapag ako naman nagiimbita, pumapayag na lang siya.
Mas gusto ko talaga ang dati. Kung kailan sobrang magkakaibigan pa kami. Alam ko naman na hindi na talaga mangyayari ulit iyon. Hindi na kami makakapagtextan madalas dahil mataas na nga ang bill niya. Tapos hindi pa kami makapag-usap nang masinsinan sa chat dahil sa dami ng ginagawa niya. Hindi ako bitter at hindi ako nagsasabing ako na lamang. Ayokong bumalik sa away na iyon. Gusto ko lang maranasan na bigyan ako ng panahon. Kahit isang saglit lang. Parang noong huli tayong nagkita. Masayang usapan. Pampakalma lang sa akin. Isang panahon lang kung saan makapag-ayos, makapaglabas ng damdamin at lahat lahat na. Give me one chance. Pero I guess hindi na mangyayari iyon dahil unti-unti na siyang lumalayo. Kahit sinasabi niyang hindi siya lumalayo, sa akin, palayo siya nang palayo.
Pansinin mo naman ang effort na binibigay ko para maayos ang problema sa ating pagkakaibigan. Dahil sobrang nag-iba na ang pakikitungo natin sa isa’t isa. Ako na lang palaging nagtetext. Tapos minsan, hindi ka na nakakareply. Iniintay kita matapos para sabay na tayong mag-offline. Ayoko tayong mag-away tungkol dito pero sana malaman mo lang ang saloobin ko. Hindi ko kasi masabi sa iyo kasi sobrang hirap. Natatakot akong mag-away tayo at ayokong mawala ka. Ito ang side ko. Kaya kung may gusto kang sabihin kahit ano, kung away man yan, tatanggapin ko na lang. Basta ang importante lang sa akin ay nakapagsabi na ako sayo ng aking saloobin. Eh ikaw? Ano ang aksiyong iyong gagawin? Ano reaction? Nasa iyo na ang kapangyarihan. Gamitin mo nang mabuti. Kung gusto mo ako kausapin, isang IM o text lang ako.
Tuesday, January 9
Akala ko, hindi ko malilimutan ang 235...
Akala ko, marami akong naitulong sa exec comm..
Akala ko, mapapansin ang paghihirap ko for exec...
Akala ko, sapat na ang ginawa ko para masulat sa staffers board...
Akala ko, after what happened sa 234, mapapansin na rin ako...
Kaya maraming namamatay sa MALING AKALA eh!
Ang sa akin lang:
Gusto ko lang malaman kung marami lang talaga akong ginawa sa 235. Sub-head nga ako, nagulat ako noon. Palagi kong inisip na marami na kong ginawa for 235. Wala man ako sa registration, nandun naman ako sa pag-aayos ng envelopes, sa pagsunog ng palancas, sa pag-aayos ng p-night, at marami pang iba. Pero, wala rin pala yun kapag ihambing mo sa kilalang taong nag-staff lang noong Sunday at ang pangalan pa niya ang nasa staffer's board. Wala nang paligoy ligoy pa.. OO! Gusto ko makita pangalan ko sa Staffer's board para malaman ko na marami akong naitulong sa exec. Hindi siya dahil gusto kong sumikat or something, dito ko nakikita kung yung mga ginagawa ko ay sapat na lalo na subhead ako na nag-eexpect na marami akong itutulong. But I guess, hindi pa pala. Daig pa ko ng sunday staffer! Yun talaga yung sobrang nagpa-inis sa akin eh. Dahil doon sa Sunday Staffer na iyon, naisip kong magwala na. Ayos lang sa akin siguro kung wala pangalan ko na magsasabi sa akin na tumulong pa pero yung pangalan ng sunday staffer na iyon ang nagpakita sa akin na magagawa mo ang kahit anong gustuhin mo basta't sikat ka.
Ngayon, nafefeel ko naman na makikita ko na ang pangalan ko sa staffer's board dahil nagwala ako sa exec. PERO AYOKO IYON MANGYARI! Mas gugustuhin ko pa na huwag makita pangalan ko kaysa ilagay ang pangalan ko dahil "baka magwala ako ulit". Ayoko makita pangalan ko out of desperation at parang pinilitan lang silang isulat. Gusto ko malagay sa board kapag talagang karapat dapat akong nandoon. Gusto ko, nandun ako dahil marami ako talagang naitulong sa exec at dahil sa iniisip na maba magalit ulit ako na wala ako. Ang pangit naman sabihin nun.. nasa board ka dahil pinilit at hindi dahil sa kontribusyon mo sa commitee.
Nakakalungkot lang isipin na ang lahat ng pinaghihirapan mo ay hindi rin napapansin ng tao. Gawa ka nga ng gawa, wala rin pa lang nangyayari... so nag-aaksaya ka lang ng panahon. Siguro, sa 236, hindi na muna ako magsastaff. Ayoko na muna. Pagkatapos nitong ginawa ko, hindi ko na ata nagugustuhang pumunta sa days ulit. Marahil, tama ang mga magulang ko, "Days ka nang days pero wala ka rin naman napupulot dian!" Parang feel ko, tama sila. Pero masama ngang isipin iyon. 235 was really one of the most memorable batches na na-staff ko at AKALA kong sobrang saya ng batch na ito, ngunit isa pala sa pinakamalungkot. Congratulations na lang to the 235 people at KP and Eddan! At sa mga susunod na magrerectors. At para sa aking mga inaanak na si Frank 235 at Lau 235... Tiwala lang...
Ayoko muna magstaff.. Baka lumipat na lang din ako ng commitee after this.. :( nakakalungkot kasi loyal ako sa exec at hindi ko ito inasahan. Pero, oh well... Hindi lahat ng kagustuhan ay nasusunod lalo na kung kilala ka ng mga tao... Please... walang aasar sa akin nito.. Shineshare ko lang saloobin ko...
Tuesday, December 26
MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! :D
Sunday, December 3
This is a poem that was unfinished two years ago after a friend of mine left to the states. But now, I felt that now is the perfect time to finish the story of a broken heart that was never mended forever. What happened in the end? Something that every broken-hearted person does; try to move on in a world full of tragic tales and misery. A Tragic Tale of Two Lovers is a poem I made for a friend two years ago. This time, I feel the exact same way but the difference is that Lovers isin't quite the perfect word in our friendship.
"A Tragic Tale of Two Lovers"
by Rye Sordan
A short winter breeze,
Pushes grey clouds on by,
Shadowing the reluctant light,
In the black and solitary sky.
There's safety only from,
The halogen lights a-glow,
As I sit I wonder all again,
Where did the happiness go?
I gave you everything I had,
And loved you even more,
But I'll never forget that lonely day,
When you closed the door.
The winter sky, full of gloom,
In the chilling night,
The moon exposed, no glow arrives,
I'll fly in the halogen light...
See I haven't slept at all, my love,
And I'm doing three a day,
The walls may move, I may get scared,
But it numbs the pain away.
I'll weep and cry, oh yes I'll cry,
And I'll scream for you in vain,
I guess I'll be alright one day,
When I'm over all the pain.
When the night is gone, my mask appears,
And I'm "me" once again,
But when the night returns I'm on my own,
'Cause you'll never want to be my friend.
I know you don't feel anything for me. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You have your own life. Make someone else the happiest person in the world, just like you made me. I don't want you to be my friend if it will be a burden on your personality. Whatever makes you happy.
Thursday, November 30
There are lots of ONEs in my life today... and I really don't know why.
1) Today was my 1st day to buy a gift for Christmas. And to whom is that gift for? That's a secret.
1.5) I only bought 1 gift!
2) Today, only 1 level was increased in my o2jam player.
3) It was my 1st time to go out to the mall this 3rd term.
4) I shared 1 secret to a friend.
5) I cried ONCE today.
6) I did 1 video presentation.
7) I downloaded 1 movie (Zathura).
8) I bought my 1st ever "Yabang Pinoy" bracelet.
9) I got 1 sticker from Starbucks (only 7 to go).
10) Its officially 1 year since I joined the choir (actually 1 year and 3 days. November 27 to be exact.)
and 10) I only thought about ONE person the whole day... and that was........
I want to know the truth. I want to know you deepest feelings. I already poured everything out of me; my friends, my family, my lovelife, my secrets. And what do I have? NOTHING. I just want to know who that person really is. I want to know you. I told you that I like you. But is that it? Just leave it there like nothing even happened. I feel hurt that this "stage-play" between you and me is happening. I don't want to end up wherein the girl leaves the boy alone and the boy kills himself in desperation. I don't want that. I think of you each night. I cried over you for the longest time. I really don't know what I am feeling right now. I even don't know who I really like. I just feel confused. I like you perhaps. But is there anything else?
I know you can't talk about that right now. I understand your decision. I just want to know the truth. I want to know who that special person is. I know that there's this some other guy and I know that you like him more than anyone else. But I really don't know if that's the case. Maybe there's been a change of heart? Maybe not. I just want to be sure with everything. I don't know if I could live thinking each day who you really like. I can't cry every night thinking about you.
I told you last night that I will take care of you and I will not allow you to feel sad about anything, remember? I am always here thinking that you are fine and happy with what's going on with your life. I'll protect you and never make you cry. I'll always be here beside you. I don't want to see you cry and I'll make sure that you don't cry.
Gracias tanto, yo le veré pronto. Te amo.