Monday, September 18

How Dare You?

There are people who think they know me too well that they could say anything about me. There are people who judge me from who I am. The truth is, no one really knows the real me. They may have spoken to or had a conversation with the real me but they never really know who I really am and what I am going trough. Such a thing happened a while ago and here's the conversation we had:



Ang kapal naman ng mukha niyang husgahan ako. Iba ako sa Ryan na nakikita niyo sa school, sa gimmicks, at kung saan saan pa. Iba ako kapag pinapakita ko yung totoo kong sarili. Hindi ako magpapatalo. Hindi ako nagpapahusga sa mga taong hindi ako kilala nang lubusan. Whether it is a joke or not. I admit that I have mood swings. One moment, we are joking about something, the next, I am raging about something. You see, I wouldn't have these mood swings for no reason. You may have crossed the line. You may really hurt me in a way. Even though it is a joke. When I know that something is not right, that's when I become serious.

And the bad thing about it is that that person is actually a teacher. Nice rolemodel, eh? Dapat mga guro ang nagpapakita ng TAMANG halimbawa sa mga estudyante. E kung puro walang kwenta ba naman pinaggagawa mo... ewan ko na lang sa iyo. I must be studying right now but I really have to get this off my chest. This is something I have to tell you. Never judge me. I am a fighter. My friends know that. I hold grudges. You never really want to be on my bad side because you will really regret it. Intayin niyo na lang na magalit ako kapag kaharap niyo ako. I don't take things that are related to me very lightly. You hit me, I hit you back. I get even... remember that! To whoever you are, paki ko ba kung guro ka humanda handa ka lang diyan dahil magsisisi ka talaga! Think before you say something. Maybe your crossing the line already. Haven't you thought of that? Life is not all jokes... remember that!

Sunday, September 17

Sunday Again?!

Why is it that every Sunday, I tell the person that I have a crush on my feelings? I remember that I told my first crush about it during the Sunday; mid-summer time. I also told a friend of mine that I have feelings also on a Sunday. Then, a while ago, I finally told B that I liked her. Why does it always happen on a Sunday?! And again, I feel that it has happened all over again. I can feel that it is starting already. The avioding thing... its happening all over again. And I feel so down with myself. Feeling some guilt? A little bit. Now, I think I can't text her anymore or even speak to her. I feel so shy now that I'll talk to her. The wall is up and I can sense it already. I thought that I have hopes for her, I guess not. Well, she's a nice person and even though I don't know a lot about her, I feel like we can get to know each other more. But ever since that happened, its all over. She's already probably so fed up with me already. Now the avoiding begins. It may be hard, but that's the thing to do already. Its going to be hard for me to avoid her because she's a nice girl and such a friend.

I like her, she likes another. I knew about it. Even before I liked her, I know that the guy she likes and herself already had something going on. My intention was not to interrupt their friendship but its just the feeling inside. I had to let it out and clear my sleepless nights. Evertime, I just think about her and ask myself what will happen if I told her this and that? I guess that "what-if" question is over. And the answer is? I'll get heart broken (again) and never speak to her.

I don't know if she still wants me to be her friend. I dunno. I probably won't text her anymore but I hope she does because I would definitely reply if she ever needs someone to talk to. Anyways, she likes my friend. And he likes her (I think..). So, I guess they are meant to be and I would get away from it all. Its a good thing considering the fact that I'm going to leave soon. I may study college out of the country, or leave. I don't know. I just wish that things will turn out fine once we see each other.

My advice to myself: never ever tell someone your feelings on a Sunday. It will really bite you in the back once you do that again. See you guys. I have to study. Bye!

A Poem for B...

This is a poem made by my team mate and it's pretty good. I love it very much that I dedicate this poem to her...

The Passionate Knight to His Damsel
by: Gelo Caancan

Come be with me and be my princess
And we will get all the riches prove
That honors, graces, blessings & will
Pleasures, or treasure yields

And we will sit upon a throne
Seeing the beauty that is to come
By shining stars, endless nights
Melodious choirs sing for our loving

And I will make thee hymns of love
And a thousand wishes granted
A ring of gold and a gown of silk
Made all with love, I'll bring

Jewelries made of the finest materials
Which from our pretty lands we pull
The thickest coat for the cold
With fabric of the purest wool


A castle built with diamonds & gems
With elegant carpets & curtain lines
And if these pleasures may thee move
Come be with me and be my princess

The enchanted fairies shall dance & sing
For they rejoice each love that springs
And if these delights may thee move
Then stay with me and be my queen

Sunday, September 10

Jubilee Prayer

I was keeping my things during the first term when I stumbled upon the Jubilee Prayer that I made. This is the first homework for Religion at kinarir ko na talaga. This was dated last June 19, 2006. So here it goes:

Sa Inyong gabay, Panginoon, sana gamitin natin ang panahong ito para pagnilayan ang mga nakaraang taon. Sana matutuhan namin ang aming mga pagkakamali at hindi ulitin pa. Sana malaman natin na ang panahong ito ay para humingi ng paumanhin sa mga nasaktan natin at bigyan ng paumanhin sa mga taong nagkasala sa atin.

Sa Inyong gabay, Panginoon, bigyan niyo po sana kami ng maraming oportunidad upang umunlad ang ating bansa na ngayon ay nasa panahong kawit ang palakol. Tulungan niyo po ang mga nangangailangan ng atensyon kagaya ng mga dayukdok, hayok, dahop at gipit sa pampananalapi.

Ngayong taon ng Hubleyo, matuto sana kaming bumalik sa Inyo at bangkatan ang aming paniniwala sa Inyo. Lalo na sa panahon ngayon na maraming nagsusulputan na mga balita at binibigyan ng duda ang pamamalagi ni Hesus sa mundo. Matuto po sana naming talikuran ang mga ganitong sigalot sa mundo upang maging payapa na ang ating bansa.

Ang taon ng Hubleyo ay ang panahon upang magtanim ng bagong puno; magsimula muli. Ang panahong ito ay para maging sariwa, para bumalik sa dati; tahimik, disiplinado at malakas ang paniniwala sa Panginoon. Magkaisa sana ang mga barangay, nayon at bansa para manumbalik ang katiwasayan ng mundo. Itabi na ang mga espada at baril para umawit ng mga tunog ng katahimikan.

Amen.

Sunday, September 3

Recovery

After every heartace that goes on, there's always a time wherein you recover from every bad thing that happened to you. There is always a chance where you can heal and step back up. So? What happened today? Nothing pretty much. I woke up from a 10-hour sleep for the second time in a row. So, this is my healing from the late nights of not sleeping. Then I went to mass. What did I pray about? Hmm... Light. Signs. And a peace in my mind. I need light to lead me the way because as of now, I don't really know where I am heading. So, I really am not sure which roads to travel. I also need light to help me recover from a horrible practice day last time. Signs. I need signs about me continuing the choir. As of now, I'm still leaning towards quitting but after what happened today, I became more confused. A peace of mind. This has been the one that I have been wishing for the past few weeks. Each night, before I go to sleep, I always wished that everything will be peaceful. I wish that there will be no more problems when I wake up. I wish that there will be no more hurt everytime I show myself to people. I wanted to have a day wherein I don't get into a fight or scream or get mad at someone. I just wanted everything to be peaceful. No more problems. Such a great feat right?

So, after mass. I had a chance to sleep and relax before the dress rehearsals for the concert. Being totally terrified after what happened yesterday, I sought for techiques from a friend who is coincidentally in a choir as well. He gave me a lot of useful tips. I even used one as soon as I went offline. Then, I practiced some vocalization songs in the computer and the audio Sir Jude gave me. So, ready? Not yet. I have to relax a lot. Stress affected my voice according to my friend. And that is really true. Because of stress, I lost confidence in myself. And with all that has been going through my mind lately, I wanted everything to end. I hurriedly dressed up and made all the preparations needed before I left the house.

I arrived the UST Museum pretty much early. And as soon as I went in, I saw the you-know-who person and really acted as if nothing really happened. We had some hi's and hello's but that was pretty much it. I was pretty much the odd man out in the side of the Tenors. All of them were pretty good, except for me. Julio and Raymond and surprisingly, Dominic was there. Hehehehe. It is so akward to see them again. So, blockings in the positions in the museum were made then the actual singing was done already.

We sat for hours in the bench eagerly waiting for our turn wearing the barong which was pretty hot I might say. But since the place was air conditioned, I felt fine. the rest of the boys who were not singing were in one place watching them sing. It was like a pre-concert thing. There were pictorials while singing. There were tape recordings and there were even timings made. So, it was pretty much the real thing except for the people. While sitting down, it was the second part of the repertoire (and we were basically in the last part) and they sang some songs that were really touching. And I remembered a lot about what has happened recently.

It was probably like a reflection time for me thinking about the happenings and what should be done right and what is there to do to make amends in stuff. So, this was a little like a recovery in a sense that I get to know more about what I should do about stuff going on. It may be a little unclear for you guys and it is really hard to explain such things going on. I decided to stay all alone and be with myself for a while. But eventually, I got to talk to you-know-who. We shared some jokes and really had a great time despite what happened. Its as if nothing happened... which is the thing that I wanted that person to realize.

Then its our time to perform. The thing that I had to do was to clear my mind. And forget for just a few minutes everything that has been going on lately. I wanted to forget all the troubles and have confidence in myself. I know I can do it. And what happened? I sang my heart out. My voice may not be that loud as compared to the others. I really don't want to ruin the choir so I didn't really increase the volume but I really reached the notes as much as I can. And I really did alright. I think that they didn't hear me but I didn't miss a note. I guess that tip by my friend really paid off. So, I really am so happy by the end of the day.

Just to fast forward the day...... I made Matti a new blog site which I hope she promises to update everyday. It's my simple birthday gift for her. I also got to watch the Philippine Idol and Pinoy Dream Academy. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe, some exam results will be out already. I am so scared. And I know that tomorrow will be a bad day for me but still. I really hope that whatever the outcome of the exams, I will just tell myself that I did everything that I could do to have a good score and hopefully, if ever I fail, I will be able to recover. That has been pretty much the theme of the entire post so far. I wish to end this already. It is too long! Hope someone read it. See you soon! Bye!

Saturday, September 2

Goodbye to You

Since Star is not here anymore and I really have to let all my emotions about this run wild and leave me as soon as possible so I decided to post this thing out there. This post is dedicated to my "best" friend... correction ex-best friend. So it was a really unusual day. I woke up really early and I realized that I didn't have any voice comming out of my mouth. I asked myself what more could go wrong. And tell yourself this!

Never ask what else could go wrong because definitely there will be something worse planned out for you.

So, that really is true! When I went to choir practice, having no voice to sing with, I had a text from my "friend" telling me that she has something going on with me and I wont really expound on that. So that happens to me and I really get pissed off and I started having second thought in attending the practice with a bad mood. To tell you guys the truth, I lied in telling people that I am sleepy. Truth is, I'm so pissed off about what happened. So, that changed a whole of things in terms of my ethusiasm in singing. Then something happened which really pushed me to the top. There's this friend I have, a really close one I might add. We were practicing Salmo 150 then they talk about something that I don't know. So I ask them about it (because to tell you the truth, we're really good friends...or so I thought) and they tell me that, "Its not the right time" and all other kinds of shit. So I said fine.

The connection: The thing that my "friend" and I fought about was the trust issue that was going on. And it seems that when that happened, I realized, that people really don't trust me.

I've been trying my best to be a good friend to everyone, especially in the choir because I really feel at ease eveytime I'm there. It seems like everybody has different personalities that I like about them. I thought I was being trusted by the people there but I guess not. They have shared stories about their lives or whatever and I really try my best to lend an ear and never have I shared about those stories to other people. I thought they trust me. But it seems that even my closest friend there didn't even really show that whoever that person is really trusts me.

I'm not bitter about the shit that my used-to-be-friend has going on. I just wanted to see if that person really trusts something so important to a person such as me. Kumbaga, yung parang trust na ibibinibigay ko kay Star kapag nagsheshare ako ng secrets sa kanya. I share those because I trust her even with the most personal things that I have been going through. I thought that we had the same friendship going on with that person but I guess, it isin't.

Now I realize that all the people I know, my friends and classmates really don't give me enough trust and that I would just blab all their secrets to people I don't know. You guys know me. I'm not like that. If I say I won't do this, I really try all that I can not to. It is so sad.

So, then we had this exam thing where 1 of each voice will sing Salmo 150. With all my emotions running through my head and everything that has been going on in the past 3 hours, I lost my energy to sing. And what happened was really disastrous. And FYI, remember that I don't really have much voice so sing the high notes. So, a) I didn't reach the high notes... too flat, b) nerve wrecking to sing solo, c) too depressed to sing. Even Kuya Jude told me that I didn't have confidence. How can I have confidence at a time like this? Its so depressing.

The effect of this worst day of choir practice ever... I'm thinking about leaving the choir. And it is not solely about what happened with my used-to-be-friend.. well, it is partly that. But I can really feel that I am the person putting down the Tenors. They have such good voices like Raymond who can reach the highest of high notes except for me. I am the one sooo letting the "team" down. I did everything wrong and I really want to end their misery.

Oh yeah, we had a text conference with that person:

Me: [sending a quote about friendship]
58546 9822: Hindi naman ah.. hindi lng talaga pwede kasi may agreement ako sa taong iyon.. kapag sabi niya k na.. sasabihin ko sayo.. dba nga wag magkalat ng hindi confirmed. [Hope by now you know who that person is. Take a look at the name and the quote!]

Me: Wag magkakalat sa mga taong hindi mo masyado close.. Siyempre, kaya nga may kaibigan para may 2nd opinion.. Kung wag magkalat pati sa friend, edi hindi talaga macoconfirm! Tss!
58546 9822: I want to earn the trust of that person.. sana naman maintindihan mo.. kung hindi pa rin.. maiintindihan ko

Me: I don't give a shit what that thing bout u nd that someone! What im toking bout s d trust that u have with your friends. and dat proved that you dont trust me and I understand that.
58546 9822: Wat? What someone? Paano nagkarron ng someone sa usapan

Me: I dunno. Just implying. Kasi kapag hindi naman tnkl sa luv lyf ndi k magiging ganoon ka-secretive.
58546 9822: Hindi tunkl doon. may nakita kasi c *name* sa phone.. sabi ko wag niya basahin kasi may sinend asko sa isang tao na hindi pwede makita kahit cno pro nabasa niya mga few lines.. sorry talaga... babawi na lng ako sayo.

Me: And I don't give a damn.
58546 9822: Sorry na. wala akong magagawa.. nagkamali na ako.. kung ayaw mo kausapin maiintindihan ko.

Me: Ok. I understand naman na di hamak na mas malaki trust mo sknya kysa skn.. If theres such a word, mas kaibigan mo xa.. I get it.. So, this means goodbye then.
58546 9822: Cge. magiging malungkot ako kung hindi mo na ako friend... sori na.. kung hindi.. boohoo.. wala na akong atenean friend.

Me: Dun m mamemeasure kng kanino ka may malaking tiwala.. kung wala ka naman tiwala sa friend mo n ssbihn mo as if ipagkakalat nia, edi wag mo sbihn.. un un dting sakin.
58546 9822: I do trust you... if you dont feel that way.. sori ryan.

Me: Then this means goodbye... sorry u had 2 end d day with this.. it all came down to ur trust in me.. guess u dnt trust me at all.. so.. i guess that's it?
58546 9822: Hindi kaya.. ano pa ba magagawa ko.. what u feel is out of my control.

Sorry guys. Had to end it. My messages got all mixed up. The replies were lost. Some were not in order. So, everything that came after had no sense. Lets just say that I told that person I'm leaning on quitting the choir. And saying goodbye to that person. So, I hope you are reading this and seeing my side in the story.