Thursday, November 30

ONE

There are lots of ONEs in my life today... and I really don't know why.

1) Today was my 1st day to buy a gift for Christmas. And to whom is that gift for? That's a secret.

1.5) I only bought 1 gift!

2) Today, only 1 level was increased in my o2jam player.

3) It was my 1st time to go out to the mall this 3rd term.

4) I shared 1 secret to a friend.

5) I cried ONCE today.

6) I did 1 video presentation.

7) I downloaded 1 movie (Zathura).

8) I bought my 1st ever "Yabang Pinoy" bracelet.

9) I got 1 sticker from Starbucks (only 7 to go).

10) Its officially 1 year since I joined the choir (actually 1 year and 3 days. November 27 to be exact.)

and 10) I only thought about ONE person the whole day... and that was........

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I want to know the truth. I want to know you deepest feelings. I already poured everything out of me; my friends, my family, my lovelife, my secrets. And what do I have? NOTHING. I just want to know who that person really is. I want to know you. I told you that I like you. But is that it? Just leave it there like nothing even happened. I feel hurt that this "stage-play" between you and me is happening. I don't want to end up wherein the girl leaves the boy alone and the boy kills himself in desperation. I don't want that. I think of you each night. I cried over you for the longest time. I really don't know what I am feeling right now. I even don't know who I really like. I just feel confused. I like you perhaps. But is there anything else?

I know you can't talk about that right now. I understand your decision. I just want to know the truth. I want to know who that special person is. I know that there's this some other guy and I know that you like him more than anyone else. But I really don't know if that's the case. Maybe there's been a change of heart? Maybe not. I just want to be sure with everything. I don't know if I could live thinking each day who you really like. I can't cry every night thinking about you.

I told you last night that I will take care of you and I will not allow you to feel sad about anything, remember? I am always here thinking that you are fine and happy with what's going on with your life. I'll protect you and never make you cry. I'll always be here beside you. I don't want to see you cry and I'll make sure that you don't cry.

Gracias tanto, yo le veré pronto. Te amo.

Sunday, November 19

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

Sorry. Right now, I really don't know what I'm feeling. I don't even know what I am saying sorry about. I don't know what I did. But there's just a part of me that has made someone really sad. I got to talk to her a while ago and she seemed kinda troubled about something. She sounds soo depressed about something. I don't know if whatever thing that made her sad is related to me or whatever.

I have read some letters that some friends give me and I feel so sad to hear some things about myself that I just realized is actually true. I don't want any of my friends to feel those kinds of things. Someone feels like he feels like I don't want to be his friend. Someone feels I'm being too pushy to myself. Someone feels like I am not contented with what I have. Someone feels that I don't think about some people that are actually helping me in some stuff. And all of those things are not true. I may not show it to you guys but I am actually show those emotions when I'm alone. A deep dark secret that nobody knows that I told during my "days" experience is that I'm an introvert. I want to be alone. And why shouldn't I be alone? I lived alone for 16 years. I have no siblings. My parents are always out with their work. I am left alone.

I know that that is a wrong thought about my life. But its the truth. I am appreciative that my parents work very hard eveyday just to bring food to the table. I am really thankful for those. But living in a life of loneliness is really hard to forget. I know I have my cousins, friends, team mates, choirmates, and everyone else but still, something makes me a little sad.. sad of being alone. Yes, I have loved and lost but to love again is hard. I hate to loose another friend. I hate not having friends. I may be an introvert but I can't live without the support of my friends and family.

So, may I say this to everyone I know, "SORRY!" for whatever hurt I may have caused you; may it be physically or mentally. I'm really sorry. I have a strong personality, I know that. But you should konw that I still am thankful that you guys are my friends.

And especially to that certain someone. I'm really sorry. I know your trying your best to mend my friendship with a friend. And I really appreciate the gesture. Thank you very much for being thoughtful and caring. I really wanted to say SORRY to you because you have been my inspiration for a very long time and then this happens. My status messages that you constantly bug me to whom I was pertaining to... I really meant those things. Those were really meant for you. I know you don't feel the same way too but, who knows? Things may change its course? But still, whoever you choose, I support your decision 110%! I know your relationship with a friend of mine is affected when we fought.. I'm sorry for that. You are such a great person and I would not let anyone hurt you, even myself. I don't want to see you sad or mad about something. I just want to see you smile.

I'll be you friend, best friend, kuya, chat mate, choir mate, phone pal, text mate, shoulder to cry on, and everything else just for you to know how much you mean to me and how much you make me happy. And to all my friends that I have hurt for the past years, I'm sorry. Sorry may be the hardest word, but forgiving is the most challenging gesture. I hope you guys forgive me. I love you all! And I thank you to be part of my life! Especially to *someone* who found the missing piece in the puzzle of my life. I love all of you!