Thursday, May 24
Am I Ready For This?
Review classes are over and I can be free again. My mom just lifted the Computer Ban but there's still a limit with the number of hours that I could use the computer. I really must be asleep right now but I have to get this out of my chest. Everyday I just ponder over this thing and I am having a hard time to keep it to myself.
Lately, I have been having these feelings for someone I know. And I've been pretty much been showing it when we are together and when we go out and stuff. I met her just recently. Just this month, I first saw her and we have been talking ever since then. We became really good friends. We became really close. Usually, people see us side-by-side. Yes, I have a crush on her but I'm just feeling scared.
After what happened in my last relationship, I'm really having second thoughts in going through another relationship over again. Let's just say that I'm not ready yet because I really felt the pain in that break-up. Being the rebound person in my ex's life, I am still confused in what I choose to do. Because before our relationship (my ex), she just broke up with someone and she probably just used me to make herself so happy again. So its like she just made herself happy in telling me how much she loves me etc etc and when she finally has moved on with her relationship, the one before ours, she left. I really don't want to feel hurt because of a relationship again.
When going to Juno's house after the Eastwood gimmick, Mico Suba told me, "Ui, wag mo naman sana siyang gawing rebound girl mo, ah." Then I thought to myself, am I ready for another relationship? To go through everything that I went through for the fourth time? I'm still having some thoughts about it and after what Mico said, that's the only time that it sinked in.
I am not yet ready to hurt her. I don't want her to feel sad. I'm so scared that there will be a time where I will realize that, "Oo nga pala, rebound girl ko nga lang pala siya." I really hope that won't happen. Because she is really so close to me. After what she's going through, I can't stand her doing something that I don't like when I hurt her. I'm scared about a lot of things. What happens if things don't work out well? I really don't want her to feel sad and depressed. Natatakot lang ako kung ano mangyari sa kanya kapag may masamang nangyari sa friendship namin. I'm so confused right now. I didn't bother to talk to her today because I'm pondering on a lot of things between us.
If ever something happens between the two of us, I'll assure you that I won't treat you as the "rebound-girl". I promise you that I'll try my best to make you happy; and you really know how sincere I am when it comes to promises. Yes, I like you but do you? And if ever you do too, do you think that there will be anything between us? I'm scared of hurting you. I really don't want to see you cry and sad again.
If nothing happens, I hope and pray to God that you stay really calm and don't do the stupid things that you did before. Because I am so confused right now. Will I continue what is happening between the two of us or not? Am I already ready to finally forget about my past relationship and start a new one with you? Right now, I'm torn. I really don't know what to choose. I like you but I don't know if you like me too. I'm scared that when something "more" happens between the two of us, I just might hurt you. I'm scared that when something bad happens, you would do something that I would regret for the rest of you life. These are just some of the things that are going through my mind right now.
If anyone could just give me an advice to put me in the right path, please do. I really am confused right now. Especially to my friends who knows what's happening in my life, please, I want to hear your voice. Tell me something that would make a decision. Anything. Please.
hold me now at 11:37 PM
Monday, May 14
Reliving the Past
Its been quite some time since I posted in this blog. http://ry10.blogspot.com has been my blog ever since last year. I actually had a previous blogger account that is already deleted and as far as I can remember, the 1st post that I made was on March 10, 2004. But before that, I also had a Xanga account. And that was way way back in middle school. I think that the first post I ever made in my whole life was in 1998. But all those memories are lost already since they are deleted because I haven't been updating it. But to think that for all those years, I have been saying what I want to say for almost 10 years. And just a while ago, I was thinking about the past and reading some past posts that I made. [I really miss blogging in straight english. In my multiply account: http://rqsordan.multiply.com, I never really spoke in straight english.]
So I have been reading a lot of past blogs and I saw how happy I was with the company of my friends. I've been with this person who broke up with me and ever since, I cry each night thinking of that dreadful day when we last said our, "i love you"s. But I never really realized how happy I was with my friends. How much they were my shoulder to cry on. Especially the friends that I made in the choir who really became close to my heart.
I trusted a friend of mine, some guy from Xavier, Julio Datu, and he really has been the ears in my stories. I have shared a lot about my life and he listens really well while cracking up a joke here and there to really lighten the mood a lot. I also, in return, am [hopefully] a good friend to him. He has shared a lot of secrets about his life. Just like one time during the outing, he told me a secret that only I knew. So I feel really trusted and I think that I can really trust him with everything. Julio is one of those guys when you first see him, you would think that he's just a funny person. But when you really get to know this guy, he is sensitive and nice. So I really am thankful for having a Julio to be the person to absorb all my feelings.
My choir friends are really the best. Jeff, Jerwin, Ian, Reuel, Kevin, Momon, Joseph just to name a few. Everytime I'm in the choir, I really become happy. And once I'm with my choirmates, I just feel so happy. With the company of my BFFs, Lala and Pat, I really am so happy with their company. Sobrang tuwa ko na hindi pa sila mawawala sa buhay ko. And habang nandito pa ang Ave Maria Youth Choir.
And so, I am so happy to know that at least there are people who care for me other than that person who left me for someone else. I have friends to listen when I'm sad. I have friends when I needed someone to stay beside me. I have these blessed people to care for me during times of trouble. And I really thank the Lord for having you guys as my friends. I guess, the past really brings you something. Because of it, I realized how much my friends played a part in my life and how thankful I am to have someone else who loves me soooo much.
hold me now at 10:34 PM
