Saturday, September 2

Goodbye to You

Since Star is not here anymore and I really have to let all my emotions about this run wild and leave me as soon as possible so I decided to post this thing out there. This post is dedicated to my "best" friend... correction ex-best friend. So it was a really unusual day. I woke up really early and I realized that I didn't have any voice comming out of my mouth. I asked myself what more could go wrong. And tell yourself this!

Never ask what else could go wrong because definitely there will be something worse planned out for you.

So, that really is true! When I went to choir practice, having no voice to sing with, I had a text from my "friend" telling me that she has something going on with me and I wont really expound on that. So that happens to me and I really get pissed off and I started having second thought in attending the practice with a bad mood. To tell you guys the truth, I lied in telling people that I am sleepy. Truth is, I'm so pissed off about what happened. So, that changed a whole of things in terms of my ethusiasm in singing. Then something happened which really pushed me to the top. There's this friend I have, a really close one I might add. We were practicing Salmo 150 then they talk about something that I don't know. So I ask them about it (because to tell you the truth, we're really good friends...or so I thought) and they tell me that, "Its not the right time" and all other kinds of shit. So I said fine.

The connection: The thing that my "friend" and I fought about was the trust issue that was going on. And it seems that when that happened, I realized, that people really don't trust me.

I've been trying my best to be a good friend to everyone, especially in the choir because I really feel at ease eveytime I'm there. It seems like everybody has different personalities that I like about them. I thought I was being trusted by the people there but I guess not. They have shared stories about their lives or whatever and I really try my best to lend an ear and never have I shared about those stories to other people. I thought they trust me. But it seems that even my closest friend there didn't even really show that whoever that person is really trusts me.

I'm not bitter about the shit that my used-to-be-friend has going on. I just wanted to see if that person really trusts something so important to a person such as me. Kumbaga, yung parang trust na ibibinibigay ko kay Star kapag nagsheshare ako ng secrets sa kanya. I share those because I trust her even with the most personal things that I have been going through. I thought that we had the same friendship going on with that person but I guess, it isin't.

Now I realize that all the people I know, my friends and classmates really don't give me enough trust and that I would just blab all their secrets to people I don't know. You guys know me. I'm not like that. If I say I won't do this, I really try all that I can not to. It is so sad.

So, then we had this exam thing where 1 of each voice will sing Salmo 150. With all my emotions running through my head and everything that has been going on in the past 3 hours, I lost my energy to sing. And what happened was really disastrous. And FYI, remember that I don't really have much voice so sing the high notes. So, a) I didn't reach the high notes... too flat, b) nerve wrecking to sing solo, c) too depressed to sing. Even Kuya Jude told me that I didn't have confidence. How can I have confidence at a time like this? Its so depressing.

The effect of this worst day of choir practice ever... I'm thinking about leaving the choir. And it is not solely about what happened with my used-to-be-friend.. well, it is partly that. But I can really feel that I am the person putting down the Tenors. They have such good voices like Raymond who can reach the highest of high notes except for me. I am the one sooo letting the "team" down. I did everything wrong and I really want to end their misery.

Oh yeah, we had a text conference with that person:

Me: [sending a quote about friendship]
58546 9822: Hindi naman ah.. hindi lng talaga pwede kasi may agreement ako sa taong iyon.. kapag sabi niya k na.. sasabihin ko sayo.. dba nga wag magkalat ng hindi confirmed. [Hope by now you know who that person is. Take a look at the name and the quote!]

Me: Wag magkakalat sa mga taong hindi mo masyado close.. Siyempre, kaya nga may kaibigan para may 2nd opinion.. Kung wag magkalat pati sa friend, edi hindi talaga macoconfirm! Tss!
58546 9822: I want to earn the trust of that person.. sana naman maintindihan mo.. kung hindi pa rin.. maiintindihan ko

Me: I don't give a shit what that thing bout u nd that someone! What im toking bout s d trust that u have with your friends. and dat proved that you dont trust me and I understand that.
58546 9822: Wat? What someone? Paano nagkarron ng someone sa usapan

Me: I dunno. Just implying. Kasi kapag hindi naman tnkl sa luv lyf ndi k magiging ganoon ka-secretive.
58546 9822: Hindi tunkl doon. may nakita kasi c *name* sa phone.. sabi ko wag niya basahin kasi may sinend asko sa isang tao na hindi pwede makita kahit cno pro nabasa niya mga few lines.. sorry talaga... babawi na lng ako sayo.

Me: And I don't give a damn.
58546 9822: Sorry na. wala akong magagawa.. nagkamali na ako.. kung ayaw mo kausapin maiintindihan ko.

Me: Ok. I understand naman na di hamak na mas malaki trust mo sknya kysa skn.. If theres such a word, mas kaibigan mo xa.. I get it.. So, this means goodbye then.
58546 9822: Cge. magiging malungkot ako kung hindi mo na ako friend... sori na.. kung hindi.. boohoo.. wala na akong atenean friend.

Me: Dun m mamemeasure kng kanino ka may malaking tiwala.. kung wala ka naman tiwala sa friend mo n ssbihn mo as if ipagkakalat nia, edi wag mo sbihn.. un un dting sakin.
58546 9822: I do trust you... if you dont feel that way.. sori ryan.

Me: Then this means goodbye... sorry u had 2 end d day with this.. it all came down to ur trust in me.. guess u dnt trust me at all.. so.. i guess that's it?
58546 9822: Hindi kaya.. ano pa ba magagawa ko.. what u feel is out of my control.

Sorry guys. Had to end it. My messages got all mixed up. The replies were lost. Some were not in order. So, everything that came after had no sense. Lets just say that I told that person I'm leaning on quitting the choir. And saying goodbye to that person. So, I hope you are reading this and seeing my side in the story.